Ambition

I always used to consider myself ambitious. I worked for good grades in school. I took night classes in order to make my way into Finance. I actually found a job in finance. I always did my best at work and was lucky with promitions. Now I find myself in a job that I don't really like. It's a great job but I haven't really enjoyed it since I started almost 2 years ago.

I started in the Financial Planning group (FP&A) supporing Customer Operations. In a nut shell, my job is to package up financial information so that non-finance people can make sense of it then go off and make smart decisions for the company. I worked for Customer Ops for about a year and a half. By the end, I was the one people went to with questions about Ops finances. It was a comfortable place to be. I didn't love it, but I was the Ops expert. And it was straight up boring.

About 5 months ago, I was moved to support the Americas Sales organization. My boss's idea of cross training. It was a lateral move but I was thrilled. Sales was much more interesting and high profile. I was no longer an expert of anything, not solely responsible for anything, but at least there was something to learn and places to go.

I worked for my last employer for 9 months. It was a stressful, crazy place to work and eventually it went bankrupt. I needed to get out of there and ended up taking the first job that offered me a position. Ever since I took this job I've felt as if I have no ambition. I don't feel the need to climb the ladder. Don't feel the need to stay late or work extra hard. I do a good job but not the best I can do. ... This is just not me. This sounds lazy to me.

You'd think that once I moved to support Sales I'd kick it up a notch. It is more interesting & high profile after all. But I still haven't gone that extra mile and it's been 5 whole months. Fortunately & unfortunately, I work for a guy that knows everything about everything. He is the expert in Sales, the one everyone goes to with questions. I am definilty learning but not really trying. And I almost don't need to if he's there. There is no pressure to go above and beyond because I know people will go directly to Gun anyway (yes, they call him Gun, as in Top Gun. They love him.).

Last friday I had my review. On a scale of 1 to 6 I gave myself mostly 4s, which is mostly meeting expectations. I know inside that I gave a 4 effort. Lucky for me my boss thinks I gave 5s. It was a great review & I was thrilled. But isn't it interesting how differently you see yourself than how others see you? During the review we talked about what to work on and where I might want to go next. What? I had no idea what to say to this. I hadn't made any real progress with the Sales team and I hadn't thought about "what's next" in years. For the past few years I was simply looking to keep a job that paid the bills. Not since MTV have I wanted to move forward, to have my boss's job. Do I this time?

Today I got an email saying FP&A was again going to realign with the executive org structure... i.e. my job might again change. So as I dance around what this might mean, I ask myself again "do I want my boss's job"? I want to say "no", but mostly because feel way under qualified at the moment. I need time to prepare for a change like that. But if I had time, with Gun at the helm would I really prepare? Probably not.

I've always thought getting thrown in the deep end was the best way to learn how to swim. For the first time in maybe 4 years, with this idea, I actually feel my ambition back. I may not be 100% prepared now, but if I get tossed in the deep end, I already know how to swim, I can definitely pull this off. I actually know what I want them to announce on Tuesday. I'm nervous, scared and excited and it might not even happen! But I want it to and that's major progress.