So you already know Michael and I did not a match make. His profile originally won me over with his love of travel, eating, wine, his friendly way of writing & his pictures. He seemed to have a good sense of humor, a cute way about him and was clearly adventurous. Not to mention we had a very nice conversation on the phone a few days before meeting. Things were looking up! but not for long... here are the top 10 highlights for your reading pleasure:
1. I got a text "8pm, unwined at 95th and Broadway?" sounds good to me. At 8pm I sat waiting for Michael to arrive, again, trying to decide if it was rude to order a glass of wine before he got there or not. I decided it was and waited. ugh. big mistake. He came through the door with a very confused look on his face "Hi, Michael? I'm Julie, nice to meet you" "Hi.... umm, I thought we were meeting outside?". He couldn't be serious about this. I'll just ignore.
2. He finally sat and ordered his tea. As we were chatting about our days, not 10 minutes into the date, the stretching begins. Following the tea choice, I had to ask again "are you tired? did you have a long week?" His answer in a slow, sleepy, mildly uncomfortable voice "I didn't sleep really well last night". I look back with a look of concern "that's too bad", his reply "I was up all night nervous about this date with you." come on!!! really? 10 minutes into the date? you lead with that line? please.
3. Trying to ignore that line of comments, I change the subject with "so, how's the new apartment? are you settled yet?" "well, it's just a studio, but I think you'll really like it. Do you want to go see it?" "how about now". Oh, God. Can we please move on?
4. We start to talk about movies. Among others, I enjoy star wars, not to be confused with star trek (yuck). He heard this and ran with "ah, I really like star trek. that's going to be a problem when i stay up late and watch re-runs.".... why might that be? "b/c I live in a studio and it will keep you awake".... oookkkk. So now in your head I'm staying at your apt? starting to get a little weird here.
5. Change the subject!!! Weekend plans :) I'm heading to AC this weekend. Bachlorette party, should be fun... Michael: "oh yes, it does sound fun. maybe i'll come too". oh man. me: "it's a girls weekend, no men allowed", him: "oh i know, but it wouldn't be the same if I just happened to be there at the same time and met you at the bar". ok, this line of humor is starting to wear on me.
6. Grasping at straws, I ask about his thoughts on match.com. He "hates" it. Really? come on. 1st rule in dating: don't be negative on a date. hellllooooo?!?! He went on to explain that he had 2 dates that week alone that didn't show up. two dates?!??! he got stood up by 2 different people in 1 week??!? that's bad... but to add, he told me! I'm number THREE?!?!! in one week?!?! what the hell!? Add this to the list of "things you should not reveal to your date". Idiot.
7. Michael: "One time a date told me I made her very self aware". WTF?!
8. As I try to decide if this date is salvageable (I'm sorry, I know you're all thinking at this point, "get out!"), the stretching begins again. This time up and out of his seat. I can hear Jane Fonda now "with your left hand pull your head gently towards the left... with your right, pull gently to the right". By the way, this is 100% true. I'm even leaving out some of the arm stretches he did while standing.
9. After about 1.5 hours of me talking and him mute, I ask "Are you ok? are you bored? you seem so unengaged?" "oh I am. I'm actually trying to hold back. you don't want to see me really engaged." I'm getting tired of this.
10. As I get more disappointed with this date and tired of the effort to fill the long periods of silence, the bar starts to fill up. A woman walks in and I say, a bit under my breath actually, "oh, pretty dress"... his reply "soooo, you like women?" WHAT??? Oh goodness, I'm starting to think he may have the right idea! this guy is insane!
Finally, (I know you're all happy this time has come) I suggest that we should call it a night. He's up and at'em again, right to the register to personally ask the waitress for the check. I felt bad for the waitress as he stood there & waited for it. ugh. I really wish I was hanging out with the group behind me. We walk out and in our closing conversation he implies I'm a light weight for going home at 10pm, unlike him who will take a nap and go out again. awesome. He attempts a kiss goodnight and you'll be happy to know he got all cheek.
He must have had a professional writer write his profile, she's damn good.
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